I just wanna share this small story before I move on to chapter 6 so you understand a little more about what kind of person I am. Sweet, funny, caring and temperamental.
After what happened in Taipei, I did very well and worked non stop.
At the end of 2010, I moved to China for a short term contract but returned to Taiwan afterwards and kept working a bunch.
Modelling in Taipei it’s hard. The market likes innocent, perfect, shy and cute girls. But I’m a bit goofy and boyish, so I did my best to please everyone, even if it’s pretending to be something I’m not.
I take my job very seriously, and if anything, I am my own worst enemy. I am VERY self-critical, and when something is not good or perfect, trust me, I’ll be the first one to notice it.
After breaking out immensely, getting endless scars and being so vulnerable, I got used in being apologetic all the time, accepting that I deserved every single criticism bomb thrown at me, while trying to be professional and hard working at the same time. It was something beyond the humble aspect, just a constant “Yes, I understand”,”It’s fine, don’t worry about me”, “I’m sorry”, “I’m so sorry”, “Is this good enough for you?”, “My fault”.
Non stop working. End of April, 2011.
I had a clothing catalogue job, shooting for 2 days with 2 other taiwanese models. I remember it was for party dresses. Everything was shiny and sparkly and tight and short. I had a super curled up hair situation (
old school selfie photo attached below) and was ready to work. Before every shooting, they get all measurements head-to-toe from the agency, so I assumed everything was cool.
This wardrobe lady came to where I was getting my make up done, and asked me to try the shoes on. I always do my best to please everyone, be it a Tv commercial shooting/print ad, if I don’t have to walk a lot/jump/dance, I WILL suck up the pain and wear your wrong sized shoes.
But she brought me something 3 sizes smaller. I couldn’t even fit in it. After trying, I told her I was sorry and I couldn’t wear it. The shooting was for dresses anyways so shouldn’t be a big deal.
But she got fffffffffffffffurious.
She left. Then came back again fuming, asking me to try another one on the same size, as if my feet shrunk on that small interval. Again, I said I couldn’t because it was just too small. Her face got red. She told me to try AGAIN.
And that’s when she threw the shoes in my direction.
WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH, WOAH.
We held a staring contest. I said I wasn’t going to wear it, and I had my own shoes if she needed. There was tension in the air. I was so done being treated like a undeserving low life (calm down Paty). I shot whatever I was supposed to on that first day but before it was a full day of work my agency called me and told me I could leave.
I went to the agency straight from the studio, and was told to sit and wait. After a while my agent told me I didn’t need to go back for the second day. She said clients were happy but she received complaints from the wardrobe lady, who called in to say I was very rude, disrespectful, unprofessional etc etc etc.
And that’s when, I believe, I had my first nervous breakdown.
That’s it. I’ve had enough. I snapped. I got so mad my mind went blank. If you knew my agent from Taipei, you would know she’s the craziest agent out there. No one talks back to her, everyone is afraid of her. But on that day, she got scared of me.
-Naomi, calm dow..
-WHY (beep) SHE (beep)(beep)(beep) RGHHSTUEERJIHFRJAHREJREARGHHH
I went through something the modern society youngsters would call a few years later “0 to 100 real quick”. I felt exhausted, I felt out of control, out of my mind, my face was raging, my heart was racing, I was shaking, I felt like I was going to explode. All the bookers stopped working to see me go nuts. “Fun day at the office! Now this is something you don’t see every day!” they must have thought.
Why did the lady lie and said I was misbehaving? They canceled me because she had made a mistake and she was throwing that on me??
I was eventually told to go to the back room to regain my composure. I walked in the room and started going absolutely crazy. I recall punching the couch, yelling and holding my fists close to my face, throwing the pillows around. At some point my agent walked in, lit up a cigarette by the window, waited for the right timing and told me I might have been working too much and needed to take a break.
I bought a ticket to Japan and left for a few weeks. On the first week, I stayed at my uncle’s because he works everyday and I didn’t wanted to see anyone for that period. So for 7 days I didn’t see NOBODY. I didn’t talk to a fellow human for 7 days. It felt weird and dark, but it also felt great. I needed to reset. I also didn’t brush my hair or looked myself in the mirror for 7 days which is none of your business.
I reevaluated my life and decided I needed to be true to myself if I wanted to be happy, and pleasing everyone was not the way to do it.
I went back to Taipei and set the wardrobe lady’s house on fire.
I’M FINE NOW.