I’m currently in Los Angeles, CA and it’s been a tad crazy these days. I attended Coachella week 1 and it was pretty awesome. I finally saw some of my favorite bands, and I confess I shed 1 or 2 tears when Interpol walked in on stage.
I also had the best Korean short rib tacos in the history!
I will return to the normal schedule soon!

hi! thankq for creating this blog, i had so much fun reading it! if you dont mind me asking, were you shy when you just start doing photo shoots or commercials? and how do you over come it? when im in front of the camera i feel so awkward and shy and dont really know what im doing, and when people are watching i feel so uncomfortable, that im not pretty enough to do this or what so ever, do you ever feel that way?

Hi! I am kind of a shy person, depending on my surroundings. But for work it’s different. I always liked being on plays in school, organizing shootings and all so for me it was just exciting, but being focused and comfortable definitely takes time. I definitely felt awkward a gazillion of times, or woke up completely OFF many days, I still do. When you can sense so many eyes on you, it’s easy to get self-conscious, so the biggest thing is to be AWARE of yourself the whole time. Of your body, of your self and the space you’re at. Not so much on what people are thinking. I’ve been to castings where you have to cast in front of all the other models, and the times when I cared about their opinion or approval were the ones where my performance was the poorest. 
One way of overcoming it…I think breathing helps you calming down. Think of the space in your belly, place one hand over and breath in and out a few times. When you’re “at home”, you will feel more present, confident and relaxed!

Chapter 3. Girl in Japan part 2.

   And so we are in 2008, where My Chemical Romance – Cemetery Drive was still a recurring song in my life. I did no longer listen to death metal but CONFIDENCE LEVELS WERE MINUS 100 x INFINITY. The feels.

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   One of my sisters was invited to join Elite Models, and since she was underage and my parents were busy, I had to go with her to do all the hands shaking, sign the signatures, question the questions and just be your overall embarrassing family member which I’m very good at.

  When her new manager looked at me and said how the big sister was also beautiful, I had the hardest time digesting that compliment. I was in a point of my life where I had settled for less for everything. My life, work, relationships. The head booker then proceeded to ask me if I ever thought about getting into modelling, but it was so hard for me to sit there and listen to that nonsense. I waved my hands in front of my face (the japanese way) denying it and said how far I’m from being pretty or anything close.
   I don’t think they noticed, but I felt this overwhelming sadness and shame, with my eyes getting watery because the FEELS were arriving to the party uninvited. In my head I was just simply not part of this surreal world of gene pool lottery.

   They told to me take care of my skin (even more), my skin color (to avoid getting tanned), let my eyebrows and hair go back to natural and come back in 4-6 months to see them again.

   Right before that deadline, I was randomly introduced to a scouter from Tokyo who invited me to attend a 2 days modelling workshop over the weekend. After the last day, only 3 girls were invited to sign with their agency and I was one of them. It all happened in August, and it happened really fast. I shot my first portfolio with them and immediately started going to Tokyo for castings. My boss from my company back home was kind enough to let me take the day off and travel to Tokyo, but I would always come back the day after and work 10 times harder just so I could keep earning those day offs.

   Finally in October, when I was contemplating moving to Tokyo to give this strange thing called modelling a try, I scored my fist short-term contract overseas. I took off to Bangkok, Thailand – home to a huge TV commercial market, and that’s how my career started. 

 I wish I could tell the “My Chemical Romance me” how my life would drastically change, or how someone with so little confidence would be forced to work with some of the most handsome talented stars in Asia over the next years, but it would’ve sounded like a bad Young Adult fiction novel plot.

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Hi Vivian. Hi Godfrey. Hi Siwon.

So, does it mean I made it safely into the modeling indrustry?

It never got easier! Only harder.

The journey begins.

Thank you so much for creating this blog! I was just diagnosed with PCOS and you’ve mentioned in your IG that you’ve been able to overcome it naturally. If you have any advice it would be so very appreciated!

Hi, anon! I will talk more about this later on, but if I could suggest you one book to start reading RIGHT NOW it will be WomanCode by Alisa Vitti. It changed my life. Or this amazing blog called Empowered Sustenance, where there is so many good natural skin care and dietary advices.
My PCOS situation is complicated because on the past few check ups, I’ve been told I never had it to begin with. Very confusing. The cysts were very bad a few years ago, so I don’t know if it’s just gone from my body with no traces, but I never had to go back to BC pills. I will post more about it in the future. I hope you like the book and the blog suggestion! 

Chapter 2. Girl in Japan part 1.

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   I went back to Japan at the end of 2006, and got a job at a mid-sized manufacturing company for Toyota and other big auto companies. It was my first paid job (MOM never paid us). Since I could speak Japanese and Portuguese, they used me as a translator too.
  Morning routine was: up before 7AM. Get ready, eat (somedays prepare lunch to bring), walk/ride my bicycle to the company and clock in before 8AM. Work would go on until 5 or 8PM depending on the day. Sounds crazy to me now, but I didn’t mind. I liked feeling responsible. But no matter sun or rain, typhoon or snow, I would sacrifice one of the morning’s steps so I could put make up on. Concealer for my pimples and mascara/eyeliner to look decent. repeat x365

        Skin was still not good. But moving back to Japan made get back in touch with my girly side. Spending more and more time with old friends and specially my grandma, I got some serious “Skincare and Makeup 101 guide for dummies” lessons with chapters:“Only use your ring fingers to wash your face!” “Double Cleanse!” “Shave your face(love this one)” and “STAHP, SUN IS EVIL!!!!”.* 

*I will come back to this Japanese/Korean skin care subject in the future.

   I was living with my parents with no social life and a solid salary every month. so I started spending my dollah bills with facials and spas. They call it エステ(ESUTE, short for aesthetic) in Japan. I took a take a train every weekend to a city nearby for skin treatments and nutritional counseling. They told me to cut out sugar, processed food, coffee, red meat and walk 2x a week. Mind you, I was already 47kg(103pounds?), so obviously my family started to worry that I was going anorexic. I was spending easily 600USD for those weekends and I even bought a light therapy device from them, with a set of 8 colored lenses for 2,000USD++ BECAUSE DESPERATION.

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^something like this. 

   Now, this method MIGHT be the one for you! It’s proven scientifically that colors has different wave lengths and it works on your skin in a different depth, helping any trouble from wrinkles or skin rejuvenation, oily/dry skins and eczema/acne.

   But B, you guessed it! WOO! You was righttttt. (OG MACO)

   For me it was just another big NOPE. 

   What now?

   All aboard What’s Wrong With Me? train express!

(i apologize beforehand for my attempt in Portuguese, it’s google translate) patty, can you post a picture of when you were younger? i’m curious as to what you looked like that made you want to disappear and stuff. you don’t have to, but hey you know. sarcasm is also my strongest suit. have nice day, senhorita bonito.

Hi! I speak Portuguese! You can write me in PT next time. The picture on the post was when I was younger. Or do you mean like 10 yrs young? I wanted to disappear as in hating what I looked like. It wasn’t like anything we see when you type ACNE on google images(!!!) but definitely made me feel down about myself. 

Chapter 1. 16ish.

    Most of you will go through puberty, breakups and college and never visit Hormones Roller Coaster Land. Go to a party, come back just waaaaay too turnt to remove your make up and wake up as if nothing has happened. Pick up whatever you see from a drugstore, splash your face with it and carry on with your normal day. For some reason I thought I would be one of you. The innocence.

   Flash back to high school in Brazil. I wasn’t into fashion or make-up at all. I was very boyish and wouldn’t spend too much time pampering or thinking about my looks because I thought it was stupid. Tough girl, but every time someone stared too long at me, I wanted to disappear. I was always breaking out. 

   When I was 15-16 my mom opened a restaurant, so my sisters and I all had to work there part time. The customers were all friendly and they loved stopping by to chat with my mom, who I could only wish to be like. She’s such a people person, and she forced taught us how to a have a sense of humor/sarcasm from a very young age. So it became my strongest self-defence mechanism.

   One time, I was serving a regular customer (a doctor), when he told me my skin looked like a cheese grater. He came back to the restaurant with his family a few weeks later and said: “Oh, ok. Your skin is not THAT bad today huh, good for you.” I laughed it off and replied: “Oh, Thanks! It’s because I haven’t washed my face in a week. Anything to drink?”.

   The damage was already done. On the outside I was very funny and silly, but inside I was growing as one of the most self-conscious girl out there.

   The products I was suggested by then were glycerine soap bar and clay mask. I buried myself in heavy metal music and some self-destructive behaviours twice a day before and after meals by my own choice too.

   Is this really the path to self acceptance, self love and healing? Stay tuned.


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Hometown in Brazil, December 2005. Too emo for smiles.

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Singapore, April 2012. Still struggling but at least more confident.

Ps: I learned English on my own, so if any grammar mistake drives you crazy, I apologize in advance.